Backfire

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Don't get stranded!

Three men are shipwrecked on a deserted island. or so they think its not really deserted, they met a troop of cannibals. The cannibals surrounded them and said, "Go get 10 of any kind of fruit or we'll tear you to pieces and if you don't we'll tear you to shreds." So the 1st man comes back with 10 apples and the tribes says, "Stuff them up your butt. If you make one noise we'll put you in the eating cage." So the man gets 2 up his butt then whimpers and gets thrown in the cage. The 2nd man come with 10 cherry's and the tribe tells him the same thing. He manages to get 8 up his butt and then bursts out laughing. The first man asks the second and why are you laughing and the second man says, "I saw the 3rd man coming with pineapples."

A little blue!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says,
"I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...

.....but I like your thinking."

Brilliant!

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many
grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Any mathemeticians?

Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party? A: Because you can't drink and derive...

O-bama

Q: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A: He accidently smoked it.

For the chess fans

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.